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to think about:
do you really want to spend the rest of your life with him? rewind a year ago and the answer would be whole heartedly no delay YES! now, honestly, i'm not sure. this not sureness begs the question, why are you still here? why the change of heart? because of that betray of my trust. the betray of my love. the months and months and months of lying to my face. waiting for me to take a shower or leave for the day so that he could talk to her. and then the lying once he was confronted. i am just plain hurt. down to my soul. to the inner most part of me that i tried to give to him. that precious gift that was shat on. and yes, he's still here. he chose to stay instead of leave. but i can't help but think if it was a convenience thing or truly a love thing. sometimes i feel that he is a million miles away even though he's just right there. maybe its just me. i know that when i get nervous about my relationship, i tend to clam up instead of talk about it. its a horrible habit. am i making it worse? i don't know. it just seems that every time i try to talk about it we get back on the subject of her. of that betrayal. and his response is that we've been there, talked about it, i'm still here, you're going to push me away, do you want to break up, blah blah blah. I still think that he saw her in September when he went to new york for business. i think that he saw her on march 12 when he went to new york for the day. Its funny how he never has his phone on or answers when he's there. and her space says she lives in manhattan. I know i'm driving myself crazy about the whole thing, but I can't help it. i'm still not over it. i'm not ok. i dream about her coming to our house. or of me catching them together. i hate it. i hate that i don't trust him, but i honestly don't. in which case. why stay? i know that there has to be something better out there. i thought he was it.
what do you really want for yourself in life? i want marriage. i will probably one day want kids. the fact that i think about them all squishy and pink and smelly-good sometimes makes me think i will probably want one. I want to feel like I am someone's love. That i matter. that they think i'm beautiful to them. and make them happy. truly happy. and they want to make me feel the same.
what do you love about him? what makes you happy? it used to be his eyes. now they don't seem to twinkle anymore. it used to be the way he would just be there and i would feel him. feel him there. here. with me. i was telling E the other day that it is/was an aura. the presence about him. that i feel. or felt really. the aura of him that i loved that was him that i haven't felt in a long time. yes, we are together almost every day when he is home. and yes we sleep together almost ever day he is home. but this morning was something different. he was here. i was here. we were making love. or at this point maybe i should say trying to fuck. pardon my french. but trying to fuck. and more often than not ... like 99% of the time it is me starting things. i hate that. i'd love to feel that he wants me and is not just doing a chore. its almost like a chore for him now. at least that's how i feel about it.
i tell him all the time that i love him. i show him. i do little things like iron the sheets! or make sure that he comes home to a nice clean and peaceful house. trying to keep him. trying to save what was once an awesome thing. schmooipie. that's what they used to say. and now i never get a smile in his eyes. the eyes. oh how i used to love the way they looked at me. how i loved how they smiled at me when we were just....BEING. together. enjoying each other.
end of story. i want love. the happy kind that lasts forever. i know that things end. that things take work. that love and relationships take compromise. take work. but its what two people do that make it work. right now i feel like i am the only one giving. loving past all the shit that's gone on. and i feel like i deserve more. that i deserve what i give. why should i settle for anything less?? why am i even thinking of settling for anything less? why do i forgive him every single day when i don't feel like he deserves it?? right now i honestly don't know. i honestly don't understand my decisions.
Ugh ...
10 comments:
Oooooof..that's the sound of the air leaving your body when you discover betrayal. You can have that kind of love, the forever love, the love that doesn't blink, that lasts and get's boring, but doesn't leave and seek elsewhere, the kind that rekindles in the moment that you look at each and share a memory unspoken......you can have all that and you will....just keep looking. It's out there and it's waiting for you.
Yo sent me here. I cannot give you any advice. I'm a terrible hypocrite. I stridently call out under all circumstances such as these Leave the F-er, but I couldn't do the same in my own life, years ago. I rule my head with an iron fist and my heart with parrafin.
I will say this, it doesn't sound like you really love him. It sounds like you're hurt and pissed and feeling disregarded. And that you want to love him, or someone, anyone. But loving someone enough to stay with them after that kind of betrayal kind of requires something more ferocious than loving the abstract concept of love. You kind of have to do the math and think, at the end of the equation, yeah--I kind of love them more than I love me. Right now.
Okay, I'm done now.
Except to say sorry. Which is what I was going to say in the first place, before I left all that advice I said I wasn't going to leave. Because I'm really fun like that.
Your post hit me hard, and I wrote my first really super personal post of my own. I hate when love hurts. Take care.
Big Sis Yo sent me over -
Mary Alice (erudite and wise) has put it perfectly - I will try, but no quite so eloquent!
In the words of Bridget Jones "He's an emotional F***wit" - see I told you Mary Alice is more erudite!
There's a gem out there - waiting just for you - you are worth more than this chap.
big sis yo sent me too! i'm sorry you're hurting so ~ i know it sucks. seems like you know 'the answer' but you're not ready to take action yet. that's ok but for your own sake, you may hurt more if you take yout time to make that step & move on. yup, i've been exactly where you are (weren't you waiting for someone to day that?!) and the doubts don't get any better with time. it turns into a vicious cycle. (for both of you). you deserve honesty and respect & nothing less. don't stop looking until you find it! and when you do, you'll know.
by way of your sister...
so. here is my completely unsolicited advice.
the last paragraph of your last post sounds like you know how you feel about this...and that its not okay.
do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling so cautious, insecure, paranoid, doubtful, less-than???? NO.
because thats no fun.
fuck her. fuck him. you do deserve better.
you can forgive, but you can't forget. if its impossible for the both of you to move forward together without the 'forget' part weighing down progress, than its likely not going to work out.
so do YOURSELF a favor, and cut him loose. he is clearly incapable of doing whats best for everyone, instead of whats best for himself - which is to try and save face in all directions.
he needs therapy. and you may benefit from it to.
chin up. i promise you the next great love you feel in your heart will diminish all the ones (this included) you've had before. there will come a day (sooner - the sooner you get out of this shitcloud) when someone who really deserves your love, will look at you that same way - and you will say to yourself 'it was all worth it...to get to this place'.
It is Newtons Law.
Or some shit.
xoxo
stella
you guys!! thank you =)
You guys are awesome. Thank you so much. And of course, Yo ... you're my flavorite. = )
AMEN
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