and then the leaving ...

this has been 8 months in the making. i know that i just started this blog, but i've been agonizing over this since it happened. trying to find enough reasons to stay. and coming to the conclusion that i just can't do it. i want more.

me and my crisis of being. i want to find me again. i want to remember myself....because i rock. i want to be the charming, funny, interesting person i know that i am deep down inside. that i don't feel like lately. that got lost in all of this mess. i feel like i am on the cusp of being something great. and i want to give that and share that with someone. i want to be myself all the time. and i was. but not anymore. i feel like i am walking on eggshells. i feel like i am not good enough to keep him. when i know that he's just not good enough to keep me. and i hate it. i hate me right now. i hate that i feel this way! that i've stayed so long waiting for it to get better without his trying. its ridiculous. re god damned diculous. i have so much to give. he should realize what he has and what he is thinking of....no, what he has given up. because he has. when he chose to do what he did. when he chose to keep her in his life. on whatever level. after i asked for her to be gone. after i said ... i don't' like it. i don't want to see her. ever. instead of compromise I get a fight. we almost broke up a couple times. after i confronted him. after i said its not ok. i guess i had to try. i had to say that i tried everything and it still didn't work. he didn't try. not really.

i've hear that love is never having to say you're sorry. but i think love says sorry. i think that love says i'm sorry and i love you anway . i'm human. people make mistakes. but not that mistake. and to make that same mistake every single day and lie about it ... that's not love. that's selfish. human nature is of course to be selfish. you should be the center of your own universe. to think of yourself. at the same time i think that love is being able to have your universe and share it with someone else. to have them treasure the universe you have shown them. the universe that is outside of them. and for them to appreciate and love that for what it is. something so different yet so familiar. realize that it is just another part of them. and that is love. to give of yourself what is most precious to you. and to have it received and welcomed and cherished for what it is. i want to have a partner. someone to be ... there. i want it and i deserve it.

and now the leaving .... ugh. how do i do it?? i've got a place to stay. thank goodness. until i find my own place. but how do i bring it up?? do i do it before he leaves for his next trip? do i tell him to stay at his parents house while i move? i hate this part, but i'm ready to move on. i'm tired of all the crap. like i told him before .. i don't need him for anything. and now i don't even want him.