My own space

I sign my new lease tomorrow and get my keys on Thursday. I am so excited. I'm looking forward to just being me. Let him live with his choices.

Memememememememememe

And kitty.

On our own again!!

Love it.

And so it's done ...

He told me that something did happen. But only the once in DC. Which I of course don't believe since he's been to NY a couple times. And his messages to her. He didn't tell me because he didn't want to hurt me. He wanted us to work because he realized that the grass was not greener on the other side. I told him that I was of course going to move out. He wanted me to think about it. I told him that I couldn't do it. The fact that he lied to me for over half of our relationship ... couldn't do it. Plenty of tears. I asked him to stay with his parents until the end of his next trip. He said no. So, I'm moving my stuff out today to stay with a friend for a couple weeks until I get a place.

I'm still kind of shell shocked ... and it hasn't quite sunk in. Maybe when I'm moving my stuff I'll have a breakdown. Or maybe not.

Update ... It's going to be tonight

So, I started that post first thing this morning. I called her this afternoon. I asked her what city she lived in. She said New York. Last night ... among the other million times I'd asked him ... Dallas. So ... he's still full of shit. There is no reason to doubt that I've made the right decision to leave. I almost bought into his line last night. Thought that maybe he's telling the truth. That he really wants to be here with me. And that if we talk about it it will get better. Even though I wrote down all my thoughts on the whole situation. And I'm still right that he'll never change. and in order for me to be happy, i have to find someone else.

So, I'm sure it will be tonight. I'm sure he already knows I called her. I'm curious how he's going to handle this....

I am a chicken s**t

I almost did it last night. He asked why I'd been acting so distant. We started talking about what I want and what he wants. I told him that I don't trust him. I am not over the whole .... 'other woman thing'. i asked what it was that made him even think about straying ... he said that was when i was overweight and not focused. Pissed me off ... again. i told him what happens if another woman comes along that's 10 pounds lighter or fitter than me? is he going to do it again? He said that i missed the complement that he just gave me. that i look great. i told him that i think about the situation all the time and i can't help it. and yes its been so long since all that 'almost' happened (according to him) and if I'm not over it now and I think about it all the time and I'm going to think about it all the time ... what's the point? that i'm never going to get over it. He's happy with what he has. I'm part of his family. What's wrong with where we're at right now?


He asked if I was breaking up with him at one point and what was my response??

I SAID .... NO.

As soon as those words came out of my mouth ... my mind was like ... what was that?? YES!! I'm breaking up with you is the response you want to say!! Don't think just say yes! Crap.



But at least now, its all out there on the table. Its only a matter of time now.

and then the leaving ...

this has been 8 months in the making. i know that i just started this blog, but i've been agonizing over this since it happened. trying to find enough reasons to stay. and coming to the conclusion that i just can't do it. i want more.

me and my crisis of being. i want to find me again. i want to remember myself....because i rock. i want to be the charming, funny, interesting person i know that i am deep down inside. that i don't feel like lately. that got lost in all of this mess. i feel like i am on the cusp of being something great. and i want to give that and share that with someone. i want to be myself all the time. and i was. but not anymore. i feel like i am walking on eggshells. i feel like i am not good enough to keep him. when i know that he's just not good enough to keep me. and i hate it. i hate me right now. i hate that i feel this way! that i've stayed so long waiting for it to get better without his trying. its ridiculous. re god damned diculous. i have so much to give. he should realize what he has and what he is thinking of....no, what he has given up. because he has. when he chose to do what he did. when he chose to keep her in his life. on whatever level. after i asked for her to be gone. after i said ... i don't' like it. i don't want to see her. ever. instead of compromise I get a fight. we almost broke up a couple times. after i confronted him. after i said its not ok. i guess i had to try. i had to say that i tried everything and it still didn't work. he didn't try. not really.

i've hear that love is never having to say you're sorry. but i think love says sorry. i think that love says i'm sorry and i love you anway . i'm human. people make mistakes. but not that mistake. and to make that same mistake every single day and lie about it ... that's not love. that's selfish. human nature is of course to be selfish. you should be the center of your own universe. to think of yourself. at the same time i think that love is being able to have your universe and share it with someone else. to have them treasure the universe you have shown them. the universe that is outside of them. and for them to appreciate and love that for what it is. something so different yet so familiar. realize that it is just another part of them. and that is love. to give of yourself what is most precious to you. and to have it received and welcomed and cherished for what it is. i want to have a partner. someone to be ... there. i want it and i deserve it.

and now the leaving .... ugh. how do i do it?? i've got a place to stay. thank goodness. until i find my own place. but how do i bring it up?? do i do it before he leaves for his next trip? do i tell him to stay at his parents house while i move? i hate this part, but i'm ready to move on. i'm tired of all the crap. like i told him before .. i don't need him for anything. and now i don't even want him.

Things

to think about:

do you really want to spend the rest of your life with him? rewind a year ago and the answer would be whole heartedly no delay YES! now, honestly, i'm not sure. this not sureness begs the question, why are you still here? why the change of heart? because of that betray of my trust. the betray of my love. the months and months and months of lying to my face. waiting for me to take a shower or leave for the day so that he could talk to her. and then the lying once he was confronted. i am just plain hurt. down to my soul. to the inner most part of me that i tried to give to him. that precious gift that was shat on. and yes, he's still here. he chose to stay instead of leave. but i can't help but think if it was a convenience thing or truly a love thing. sometimes i feel that he is a million miles away even though he's just right there. maybe its just me. i know that when i get nervous about my relationship, i tend to clam up instead of talk about it. its a horrible habit. am i making it worse? i don't know. it just seems that every time i try to talk about it we get back on the subject of her. of that betrayal. and his response is that we've been there, talked about it, i'm still here, you're going to push me away, do you want to break up, blah blah blah. I still think that he saw her in September when he went to new york for business. i think that he saw her on march 12 when he went to new york for the day. Its funny how he never has his phone on or answers when he's there. and her space says she lives in manhattan. I know i'm driving myself crazy about the whole thing, but I can't help it. i'm still not over it. i'm not ok. i dream about her coming to our house. or of me catching them together. i hate it. i hate that i don't trust him, but i honestly don't. in which case. why stay? i know that there has to be something better out there. i thought he was it.

what do you really want for yourself in life? i want marriage. i will probably one day want kids. the fact that i think about them all squishy and pink and smelly-good sometimes makes me think i will probably want one. I want to feel like I am someone's love. That i matter. that they think i'm beautiful to them. and make them happy. truly happy. and they want to make me feel the same.

what do you love about him? what makes you happy? it used to be his eyes. now they don't seem to twinkle anymore. it used to be the way he would just be there and i would feel him. feel him there. here. with me. i was telling E the other day that it is/was an aura. the presence about him. that i feel. or felt really. the aura of him that i loved that was him that i haven't felt in a long time. yes, we are together almost every day when he is home. and yes we sleep together almost ever day he is home. but this morning was something different. he was here. i was here. we were making love. or at this point maybe i should say trying to fuck. pardon my french. but trying to fuck. and more often than not ... like 99% of the time it is me starting things. i hate that. i'd love to feel that he wants me and is not just doing a chore. its almost like a chore for him now. at least that's how i feel about it.

i tell him all the time that i love him. i show him. i do little things like iron the sheets! or make sure that he comes home to a nice clean and peaceful house. trying to keep him. trying to save what was once an awesome thing. schmooipie. that's what they used to say. and now i never get a smile in his eyes. the eyes. oh how i used to love the way they looked at me. how i loved how they smiled at me when we were just....BEING. together. enjoying each other.

end of story. i want love. the happy kind that lasts forever. i know that things end. that things take work. that love and relationships take compromise. take work. but its what two people do that make it work. right now i feel like i am the only one giving. loving past all the shit that's gone on. and i feel like i deserve more. that i deserve what i give. why should i settle for anything less?? why am i even thinking of settling for anything less? why do i forgive him every single day when i don't feel like he deserves it?? right now i honestly don't know. i honestly don't understand my decisions.

Ugh ...

The Background

I'll try and give as much background. I know there is so much I want to put down I'll inevitablely forget some. So, as of March 14th we've been together for 2 years. Things were really great in the beginning. Honeymoon phase and all. We moved in together after about 9 months. Things were still really great. We both went through some tough times. He had 2 very close relations die in a period of 1 month. I lost my sweet little kitten. Who wasn't a kitten anymore. We were there for each other. We spent lots of time talking, listening to music, cooking, and just spending time together. We had lots of fun with our friends and families. Things were great.

Last summer I noticed that things were kind of off. He felt really distant. Was acting VERY strange with his phones. He'd keep them in his pocket. Close them when I came over, etc. Lots of falling asleep on the couch and not coming to bed. Last August I found messages from him to one of his 'friends' that was telling her what he was doing that day. And that he missed her too. Kick to the gut. I didn't say anything to him. We had plans that night w/ some friends. The next morning when he was in the shower I went and checked it. There were messages from her, asking him if he was still up, telling him that she was thinking dirty thoughts about him, that she couldn't wait for them to take this to the next level, etc. I'm going to puke. I immediately confronted him about it. His reaction showed so much. He literally got pale and shaky and sweaty. I've never actually seen someone do that. He said it must be some mistake. He called her and his side of the conversation was 'Hi....my girlfriend just found a text from you. Are you sure this is for me? Oh, how funny! What are the odds?' His explanation was that she was dating a guy with the same name and accidentally sent him a text. I so wanted to believe him. We went through the weekend with him saying how he'd never do that to someone because he had it happen to him and he wouldn't want that for anyone. How he loved me etc. That was a Saturday. I'm lying to myself that he's telling the truth, even though I saw the texts to her. I hadn't said anything to him about those.

Monday comes around and I'm at work. Having a melt down. WTF is really going on? Why is he lying? How long has this been going on? Is this what I've been feeling, what I've been sensing? Him flirting with this other girl? His distance because he's giving her his self instead of me? I end up driving home at 9am. I walk in. He's still in bed. I tell him I know he's lying to me and I don't fucking need it. I saw the texts to her before he erased them. If you want to be with her fine. Just fucking do it. I'm not here because I need you for anything. I have my own job, my own car, my own family, my own friends, and my own self. The reason I'm here is because I want to be. And there is a difference. Long story short, he apologizes. I don't know why I've been doing it. It's been going on for a few months. (MONTHS??) He loves me. He wants me too. Blah blah blah. He calls her and says it has to stop. That's it. Oh ... and asks me what he can do to help me with my diet. I admit I had put on some pounds since we had been together. I'd been trying to get back on track. So, after my initial 'what the fuck??!!' I'm like, fine. I'll focus on that. You focus back on our relationship. I get a lot of apologies. I get more effort. I'm going to try to make this work because of how much I love him.

Fast forward 8 months. I don't trust him. 8 months later I don't trust him. There are just some of the things that bother me:

When this all started I got one of his phone bills out of the mail. In one month I saw over 300 texts back and forth from them. I saw the phone calls they had. All hours of the day and night. Right as soon as I left for work. When I'm in the shower. After I fall asleep. Any chance they can talk. PUKE. Ever since then he only gets the electronic bills. What have you got to hide?

He tells me she lives in Dallas. I check this whores page and it says she lives in Manhattan. Now, in the beginning I would check this page quite a lot. Its set to private, but she updates things on that page every single day. Why would she say she lives in NY when she lives in TX? Not to mention that her phone # is a NY number. He had to make a trip to NY and he was odd. I never was able to get him on the phone when on every other trip I can get him anytime. Even if its to say that he had to call me back. I think he was with her then. He was in NY a couple days before our 2 year anniversary. He was unavailable until 4am est when the bar closed. He had an early flight and came home that day. I can't help but think that he was with her. It makes me sick.

He won't delete her from his page, from his phone, from his life. I tell him that if she is a friend she'll understand. She'll understand that he wants to work on his relationship. Its important to him. Every time I have ever asked his response is that he's not going to give up friends for a relationship. That he's done it before and he won't do it again. I tell him that I'm asking for him to take a break from her. He never has. He's choosing her and whatever it is that they have instead of me. I know they still talk. They still email. I haven't asked him lately when he's talked to her. Every time I bring her up we get in a fight. That he's apologized, he's still here, do I want to push him away? Not exactly the reassurance I'm looking for. He clearly values whatever it is that he has with her more than what he has with me. Still.

I have nightmares about them. I am so not over the whole betrayal that happened, yes, 8 months ago. I dream of them together, of him inviting her to our house, of him finally telling me that he wants to break up. Its horrible. When we are together in the biblical sense, I can't help but asking myself if he's thinking of her. I'm the one to instigate 99% of the time. Doesn't do too much for my ego or libido.

He doesn't look at me the same. His smile doesn't get to his eyes. His hugs and kisses feel distant. I hate it. And I'm the one that says ... hug me. Or kiss me. Home just doesn't feel the same. Maybe I'm making it that way?

He's feeling distant again. Almost like it was back then. Am I pushing him away? Are my thoughts of him and her pushing him away? And I'm asking myself why am I still here? Don't I deserve better? Is it that bad? Do I really love him enough to forget? What is it that I want for myself? Are they the same things that he wants? I hate to even bring any of this up to him right now. Inevitably we will talk about her and I'll get the same speech....I've said sorry, I'm still here, I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be, are you trying to push me away? I don't know how much longer I can lie to myself. Why am I still here?? What is he giving me that I can't do without? What do I really want for myself in life and love? Is this it??