The Background

I'll try and give as much background. I know there is so much I want to put down I'll inevitablely forget some. So, as of March 14th we've been together for 2 years. Things were really great in the beginning. Honeymoon phase and all. We moved in together after about 9 months. Things were still really great. We both went through some tough times. He had 2 very close relations die in a period of 1 month. I lost my sweet little kitten. Who wasn't a kitten anymore. We were there for each other. We spent lots of time talking, listening to music, cooking, and just spending time together. We had lots of fun with our friends and families. Things were great.

Last summer I noticed that things were kind of off. He felt really distant. Was acting VERY strange with his phones. He'd keep them in his pocket. Close them when I came over, etc. Lots of falling asleep on the couch and not coming to bed. Last August I found messages from him to one of his 'friends' that was telling her what he was doing that day. And that he missed her too. Kick to the gut. I didn't say anything to him. We had plans that night w/ some friends. The next morning when he was in the shower I went and checked it. There were messages from her, asking him if he was still up, telling him that she was thinking dirty thoughts about him, that she couldn't wait for them to take this to the next level, etc. I'm going to puke. I immediately confronted him about it. His reaction showed so much. He literally got pale and shaky and sweaty. I've never actually seen someone do that. He said it must be some mistake. He called her and his side of the conversation was 'Hi....my girlfriend just found a text from you. Are you sure this is for me? Oh, how funny! What are the odds?' His explanation was that she was dating a guy with the same name and accidentally sent him a text. I so wanted to believe him. We went through the weekend with him saying how he'd never do that to someone because he had it happen to him and he wouldn't want that for anyone. How he loved me etc. That was a Saturday. I'm lying to myself that he's telling the truth, even though I saw the texts to her. I hadn't said anything to him about those.

Monday comes around and I'm at work. Having a melt down. WTF is really going on? Why is he lying? How long has this been going on? Is this what I've been feeling, what I've been sensing? Him flirting with this other girl? His distance because he's giving her his self instead of me? I end up driving home at 9am. I walk in. He's still in bed. I tell him I know he's lying to me and I don't fucking need it. I saw the texts to her before he erased them. If you want to be with her fine. Just fucking do it. I'm not here because I need you for anything. I have my own job, my own car, my own family, my own friends, and my own self. The reason I'm here is because I want to be. And there is a difference. Long story short, he apologizes. I don't know why I've been doing it. It's been going on for a few months. (MONTHS??) He loves me. He wants me too. Blah blah blah. He calls her and says it has to stop. That's it. Oh ... and asks me what he can do to help me with my diet. I admit I had put on some pounds since we had been together. I'd been trying to get back on track. So, after my initial 'what the fuck??!!' I'm like, fine. I'll focus on that. You focus back on our relationship. I get a lot of apologies. I get more effort. I'm going to try to make this work because of how much I love him.

Fast forward 8 months. I don't trust him. 8 months later I don't trust him. There are just some of the things that bother me:

When this all started I got one of his phone bills out of the mail. In one month I saw over 300 texts back and forth from them. I saw the phone calls they had. All hours of the day and night. Right as soon as I left for work. When I'm in the shower. After I fall asleep. Any chance they can talk. PUKE. Ever since then he only gets the electronic bills. What have you got to hide?

He tells me she lives in Dallas. I check this whores page and it says she lives in Manhattan. Now, in the beginning I would check this page quite a lot. Its set to private, but she updates things on that page every single day. Why would she say she lives in NY when she lives in TX? Not to mention that her phone # is a NY number. He had to make a trip to NY and he was odd. I never was able to get him on the phone when on every other trip I can get him anytime. Even if its to say that he had to call me back. I think he was with her then. He was in NY a couple days before our 2 year anniversary. He was unavailable until 4am est when the bar closed. He had an early flight and came home that day. I can't help but think that he was with her. It makes me sick.

He won't delete her from his page, from his phone, from his life. I tell him that if she is a friend she'll understand. She'll understand that he wants to work on his relationship. Its important to him. Every time I have ever asked his response is that he's not going to give up friends for a relationship. That he's done it before and he won't do it again. I tell him that I'm asking for him to take a break from her. He never has. He's choosing her and whatever it is that they have instead of me. I know they still talk. They still email. I haven't asked him lately when he's talked to her. Every time I bring her up we get in a fight. That he's apologized, he's still here, do I want to push him away? Not exactly the reassurance I'm looking for. He clearly values whatever it is that he has with her more than what he has with me. Still.

I have nightmares about them. I am so not over the whole betrayal that happened, yes, 8 months ago. I dream of them together, of him inviting her to our house, of him finally telling me that he wants to break up. Its horrible. When we are together in the biblical sense, I can't help but asking myself if he's thinking of her. I'm the one to instigate 99% of the time. Doesn't do too much for my ego or libido.

He doesn't look at me the same. His smile doesn't get to his eyes. His hugs and kisses feel distant. I hate it. And I'm the one that says ... hug me. Or kiss me. Home just doesn't feel the same. Maybe I'm making it that way?

He's feeling distant again. Almost like it was back then. Am I pushing him away? Are my thoughts of him and her pushing him away? And I'm asking myself why am I still here? Don't I deserve better? Is it that bad? Do I really love him enough to forget? What is it that I want for myself? Are they the same things that he wants? I hate to even bring any of this up to him right now. Inevitably we will talk about her and I'll get the same speech....I've said sorry, I'm still here, I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be, are you trying to push me away? I don't know how much longer I can lie to myself. Why am I still here?? What is he giving me that I can't do without? What do I really want for myself in life and love? Is this it??